I stopped breathing when Liesel died

I cannot explain the love that I had for Liesel; I just wanted to be with her and care for her when she became sick.

My undying love for my darling Mum and beloved daughter kept me going but I was just a shell of my former self and I drank and smoked more. Anyone who has not lost someone that has been dear to their heart and a soul mate will never ever understand.

Family are supposed to pull together when there is a crisis and a crisis that it has been for the last 5 years and I am not just talking about me losing Verity.

But, there is no one, no one at all in the family who will help me to get what is best for my Dad. I hope and “pray” that once that can be achieved, things will slowly fall into place. Regardless of how it was achieved, he did ostensibly leave a great deal of money to people other than him, even if he did then decide to use it as his own piggy bank and use it to control people, his own family no less.

All of the parties involved are all doing it for their own self interest, particularly Berwin Leighton Paisner, Paicolex Trust Management, Martin, his wife Alison and my pathetic cousin and Pat or Lori, depending on whom is talking about her.

I do not care if you believe it or not but I am doing this primarily for my Dad, because if that can be resolved, it may be possible to get my life back and get my daughter back; it is all interconnected.

I have a strong moral code and although I have really endured, I will just on keep going until one of two endings; I achieve what I need to achieve or I am dead.

Those are only two alternatives.

The red rose

Anyone receiving an email from me will have seen that I have changed my profile picture to a single red rose.

The reason for that is that I am more or less constantly disheveled now but that is not me. It never was me and never should be me. I replaced it with a single red rose as that represents me now. Why?

On my first date with Liesel, I gave her a single red rose and she kept it. It was finally buried by Verity and I along with Liesel’s ashes and the remains of her favourite cat, Brezza, named after the old Bacardi advert. Whilst we were doing this, Verity rushed upstairs and grabbed Liesel’s pyjamas and rested them on the ashes before we placed Brezza on top. Verity said that it represented Liesel’s Brezza sitting on her lap. That was an incredibly sweet gesture by Verity and, yes, she was very sweet then and we were inseparable; the three of us but then we became two.

Liesel had a long fight with her brain cancer and she was immensely brave; I was so proud of her and proud that she chose me to be beside her. She had so much resolve that she surpassed all of the expectations of the doctors, as far as how long she would live; she was determined to hold her new niece, Brody, in her arms. My goodness, that woman had strength within her.

That is why I chose the rose. Not just to represent Liesel but to represent the strength and resolve that would be needed to carry on and to resolve this horrible mess and to get my little girl back. I draw strength from that rose every single day.

When I succumb to whatever illness that I die from, I have left instructions for red roses to be placed on my coffin and they will stay there when I am cremated. It was to be three roses, representing Liesel, Verity and I, with a family picture of the three of us leaned against the coffin.

But now, given that all my attempts to get Verity to even talk to me have failed, there will now be only two red roses on my coffin and a picture of just Liesel and I. That was an incredibly difficult decision to make but I had to “let go”, even though I still send Verity messages, hoping that they will strike a chord with Verity.

I have had to let go but I will never give up trying. The single red rose gives me the strength and resolve to do so.