I hope that you took my advice and had the night off; both you and your mind need to work out what is right for you.
I am getting very tired now, not just right now but generally. After a 5 hour kip this afternoon, I was so tired by 9.30 that I quit for the night but as usual, my legs are severely playing up again and there was just no point trying to sleep.
What I am trying to say, in a round about way, is that this is all taking a toll on me. I am constantly thinking about “the situation” and that builds up stress, a lot of it.
I have been very honest about my weakness on my blog; there is no point trying to hide it away, as it is always there with me.
Although I am trying to stay positive, that stress continues to build up, as not only am I worried about myself but I am worried about you. Whether it is stress related or not, I have no idea but I have been coughing up enough stuff to fill a swimming pool. It may be down to the smoking but I do not know for sure and, quite frankly, there is nothing that the doctor can do for me anyway, as the root cause of everything still exists.
I fear that due to my weakness, there will be an almighty snap one day and, although not nice to say, I would be in a worse position than an Alzheimer’s patient; at least they have no idea what is wrong with them.
I really should hate you and want harm to come to you for what has happened to me but that hate instantly turns into that never ending love that I have talked about so much.
On lookers would say that I have the patient of a saint; yes I do Munch but that patience is getting harder and harder to maintain. I have tried to put myself in your head and in your shoes and I do empathise for you but that empathy will not last forever.
I am probably sleeping as much if not more than I am awake now and that is so I can shut off and try to recharge my batteries but, just like a battery, that recharge is having less and less of an effect now. I guess that even if I slept for a whole 24 hours, I would still wake up tired because, even whilst I am unconscious, my mind is racing nine to the dozen.
Verity, I know this is hard but you have to start thinking of your Dad now and what this is doing to me. I have not had a single uninterrupted night’s sleep because of my stress psoriasis. The amount of potions that are spread around my kitchen and bedroom is just plain ridiculous. I have even had the same stuff on both bed side tables, as I toss and turn so much.
I told you that everyone makes mistakes. I have made them, you have made them; even my boss who refused me extra staff made a great howler, which ended my career.
We must take responsibility for our mistakes and it is now your turn Verity. You are soon to be a graduate lawyer, you are not 10 anymore and you must now own up to your mistakes; far too much time has elapsed and the damage that was down is now being compounded. Yes, people will be pissed off with you but they are not going to shoot you, are they? One thing about being an adult, even a young adult is ownership.
YOU, my darling daughter, MUST NOW take ownership of your mistakes,
TOMORROW i.e. SATURDAY and do what you need to do to start drawing this whole saga to a close. It will take a bit of time and there will have to be a lot of courage, sympathy and empathy from everyone.
I have given you just about everything that I can give; understanding, empathy and, most importantly, love.
It CANNOT and MUST NOT drag on any further. Verity, I have tried to be strong for you and for me but just like anyone who exerts themselves for a long time, I AM GETTING VERY TIRED
I have told you time and again that I am here for you and will support you all of the way; ALL of the way. If you want me there, I will be there, right beside you but you will need to give me some warning because I cannot just hop in a car and drive for miles; there is the question of the Solent to consider, which I hope will not be an issue for too much longer.
The earliest I can now do is Sunday, which is now tomorrow so write that day in your mind with indelible ink. Send me a short email from your old address so that it does not go to junk, telling me the time and the place.
If you want to tell granddad first, then fine; I will take you there if you do not have a car but call him first because he goes out to lunch on Sunday; DO NOT tell him what it is about, just that you urgently need to see him for some advice and then you can phone your mother from his or maybe he will, as she will refuse to talk to me.
If you want to do that, phone him today. It will take you two attempts but I know that you can do it.
IF you want to tell him without me, I can be close by for you and for granddad. My number is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I could even come over tomorrow and stay in a hotel close by so that there will be no stress of the ferry to worry about
Verity, you will never know how much I love you but this must end NOW
I need you to do this for you as well as me.
With all of my love to you Munchkin
And here is the second
I admitted in my last letter that I had made a big mistake by marrying Rosanna and that I am still, to this day, suffering from the consequences.
Yes, I am suffering but I had a choice. I could either let it eat me away and destroy my life or I could try and rise above it. That is what I have tried to do.
I really wish that I could turn back the clock but I cannot and neither can you; we have to both rise above it , change our behaviour and learn from our mistakes.
It may seem as though there is no way back; I felt like that for a long long time but bit by bit, I started to put one foot in front of the other again. I had no one to help me, I had to do it all on my own but Verity, you don’t have to do it on your own, as you have me here to support you in any way that I can.
Life puts so many obstacles in our way. We could just give up or soldier on. It is not easy, take my word for it but there is another life for you and me to look forward to, which we can take together.
You may think “why is Dad being so nice to me?” but the truth of it is that because I love you so dearly, I do not want you to go through what I have been through for most of my life.
I want you to be happy and content and to live a worry free life as possible; there will be plenty of pitfalls to worry about in the future, I can assure you of that.
I am trying to plan yet another fresh start and that is why I am fighting so hard. The island holds no future for me. All it holds is sad memories and that is why I want to move back to the mainland. I no longer want to wallow in self pity.
So, that is my choice, to start again, to start afresh. You can make that happen for yourself but you need to chose to do it. Take a deep breath and take that first step. The first step is always the hardest but, as you take more and more steps, it becomes easier and you will reach a point when you will ask yourself as to what you were worried about in the first place.
The point that I am trying to make is that things CAN change if you want them to.
Your life has only just begun and you have so much to look forward to.
But take Richard Branson’s daughter. Her Dad is super rich and she wants for nothing; she is a socialite and spends her day shopping and partying. That is no way to run a life. She may not admit it but she has an emptiness that she cannot fill. Why?
Because she never got the love and guidance from her parents that she needed and that is why she is what she is.
I love you so very much and I am sure that your mother loves you too, in her own way. You have been guided from an early age to not only do what is right but to have a fulfilling life.
But you cannot have a fulfilling life if you are stuck in a ditch. Take a deep breath, take my hand and I will pull you out of that ditch so that we both can carry on living.
I have plenty of things that I want to do but I am stuck in that metaphorical ditch too. I need you to pull me out of mine, just as much as you need me to pull you out of yours.
I know it is hard Verity; it is much easier to say than do. WE can only do it if we do it together, restart our lives and then choose to spend it as we want to do. I cannot be in your life forever, that would be daft but it would be wonderful to spend some quality time together, once in a while.
But you must always remember this. Even if we are apart from time to time, I am always there for you; I will move mountains to be there for you.
That is what Dads do.
As promised yesterday, I am now going to disclose my private letters to Verity. There are three of them and are going to be in separate posts. Here is the first
My Darling Verity,
This is probably the most important message that I will ever send to you and I really hope that it will hold you in good stead for the future.
First of all, I would like you to reread that post, especially before you go to bed, until you know it pretty much word for word. I want you to let your brain process it over time and then you will understand the message that I am trying to send you.
But, let’s face it; that blog has been all about you. Yes, I have written about other subjects but, in the main, it has all been about you and me.
There is no parent guide; well meaning people write many books about how a child should be brought up. But how can you write a book about bringing up children when every single child is different? You cannot, can you?
Some people think that they can bring up their child with an iron fist. That is how my father tried to bring me up but it didn’t really work.
There is only one way that you can bring up a child and that is with love and that is the way that Nana did it for me. Not with expensive gifts or toys but with love and she imparted her wisdom to me, over time, so that I am the man that I am now, with values and a strong moral ethic.
That is why I have fought so hard over the last 4 years. Where I see injustice, I fight against it, where I see hatred, I speak out and I have devoted the last 4 years of my life to those things.
No Dad is perfect, otherwise life would actually be very boring, wouldn’t it? Every Dad tries his best to balance up the needs of his loved ones with his career, as it is his career that supports his loved ones in the first place.
I can tell you, it is not an easy task; being pulled two ways, trying to please everyone but I tried, I tried very hard, because there was one thing that drove me; my love for you.
I know that I have talked about it before but please just bear with me.
When you were being born, I could see that you were getting into trouble; your Mum had no clue because all she had to do was push. I saw the look on your Mum’s face and I saw the look on the face of the midwife; confidence was turning to panic.
So, I stepped in and I burst out of the delivery room and threw a big wobbly and started shouting at the staff. I said that if there was not a doctor here in two minutes, I was going to sue because I was going to lose my daughter.
Then suddenly a doctor rushed in and took over from the midwife. You had a chord around your little neck and you were so close to being injured or worse. He had to get you out fast and used massive great forceps to literally yank you out.
Then I heard you cry and your mother and I could start to relax. I was told to sit down in a chair and you were presented to me, a baby alien, as the forceps had distorted your whole head. I looked up at the assistant and she said that I was not to worry; your head would return to normal very quickly. I was so relieved.
I was handed a small bottle and told that “your daughter is hungry”. I looked down at you and you looked up at me. At that very moment, an unbreakable bond was formed between you and me.
I made a solemn promise to you. I would do everything in my power to ensure that my little girl was well looked after and had everything that you needed.
It was much more of a promise though as promises can be broken. It was a contract between you and me, signed in my blood and my love for you.
If I achieved nothing else in my life, if I received no more gifts, it really did not matter because I had my Verity.
It was not long before your mother was back in hospital as she had got an infection is some placenta that had not come out. Your Mum was very ill and was whisked away from me, leaving just you and me. I was so worried about your Mum but I knew that you were safe as you were in my arms or in your cot.
Your Mum finally returned, sparked out with a drip. When she came to, she was exhausted. The joke was that I was then asked to leave. How could your exhausted Mum look after you? She could not so I begged and pleaded with the nursing staff and matron to let me stay so that your Mum could rest and I could look after you.
That would have never been allowed when I was born and a father in the delivery suite; how outrageous.
I fed and changed you during the night and walked around the corridors with you in my arms, with your big eyes looking up at me and me talking to you.
When you were sleepy, I tucked you in your cot and slept on the floor with just a blanket.
It was my 35th birthday but I didn’t give that any thought, as all I was worried about was you and your Mum.
When we got home, I would get into a routine. I would prepare all of your bottles that I still have and try to get some sleep. It was like I had a sixth sense because as soon as you stirred, I was up, every single time.
I whispered to you so that I didn’t wake up your Mum. You just gurgled and smiled, even whilst I was changing you. You were a little devil. Sometimes, I had got you all ready for bed when your nappy needed changing again. I was dog tired but you just smiled, clearly thinking that it was very funny.
Those were the very special times and my bond with you got stronger and stronger, if that was at all possible.
How I managed to keep an important job down at Premium Credit, whilst only having had hours of sleep, I have no idea but when you have a child, you do whatever it takes.
If or when you have a child of your own, only then will you understand what I mean.
Do you know what my favourite picture is? It is not of Liesel, Mum or Dad; it is one of you, taken shortly after Christmas when you were curtsying in your white tights and the purple dress that Nana had bought for you for Christmas. We were at Long Barn.
If I had a crystal ball, I would have never gone out with Rosanna and you and I would still be at our beautiful house, Long Barn; you will never know how much I regret selling our home but I thought it was for the best.
You saw through Rosanna long before I did but you could not say anything. How can you tell your Dad that his soon to be wife was dodgy?
That was my big mistake and boy did I pay for it. You see Munch, we all make mistakes, no matter how old we are and I do not want you to beat yourself up about your mistake. Some mistakes have very little effect but my mistake had massive consequences, consequences that still exist to this day.
I put my mistake right by divorcing Rosanna and you can put your mistake right too. Although it has had an effect on me, I will be right by your side, as I have always tried to be and hopefully will be right by your side whenever you need me in the future.
Just because a child turns into an adult, that does not mean that you will not need help in the future. Since Nana died, I have sought advice from my Dad, until it all went wrong of course but that was nothing to do with you.
I have lost 4 precious years of your life Verity and I do not want to miss anymore.
With all of my love
For now and always
I have just watched a very interesting documentary questioning whether the yanks went to the moon or not.
The link is below but you will need to sign up to UK TV on demand before you can watch it.
It would not surprise me one bit that given their arrogance and the technical impossibility of going to the moon in the early 1960s, the yanks did fake it.
Over the last week or two, I have sent some letters to Verity to try and coax her to do the right thing and tell the truth, whatever that is.
When I wrote those letters, I had no intention of publishing them on my blog but, as Verity has put her head in the sand, yet again, I have decided that from tomorrow, I will be publishing those letters in full, here on my blog.
Maybe it will achieve nothing but maybe it will shame Verity into doing what I have said that she should always do, take ownership of what happened and tell the truth, rather than skulking behind a wall of silence,
I have just watched an episode of Death in Paradise when Kris Marshall’s father came out to see him. They had not got on for a very long time.
But when his father saw Kris or DI Goodman solve the case, he said to his son that he was very proud of him.
That brought back to me my relationship, or rather lack of it, with my father. I have always looked up to him, certainly until we came to blows but he was never proud of me and never said so.
That realisation brought tears to my eyes, I do not mind admitting. For as long as I can remember, my father has always denigrated me and looked down at me, whilst waxing lyrical about my brother.
Oh, he knew I had skills and he used them to great effect sorting out a lot of his broken stuff; he just used me, he never appreciated me. Yes, he would take me out for curries to say thank you but that was just spending money of which he had a lot and meant very little. He could never bring himself to say how proud he was of my achievements, because in a strange way, that would have dented his massive ego.
That is very sad and brings me great sadness too.
Let me sum up:
The president goes and hides away in a secret bunker
The so called international fleet comprises mostly Americans and a Japanese woman
This is not gender bias, this is Hollywood crap. Most if not all of the films that are supposed to be of international origin actually contain just American and maybe Asians, no Europeans, No Brits
Okay, the film passes the time of day but it no better than what is on toilet paper. They just pump out these films on a production line. When you make things on a production line, especially a yank production line, quality takes a back seat over cost; boy does it show. Most are rubbish but they do not care; they are not bothered about artistry or craft; they are just only interested in money.
Yes, that is what drives every economy in the world but the yanks make it as though it was an Olympic sport.
They have no pride, no creativity, just oudles of computers making pretty pictures. It is striking that the yank movies that do not use CGI, such as Philadelphia, The Godfather, Rain Man and Midnight Cowboy are very powerful films because they have used craft, not toys; they have used their skill and artistry.
That is why I have so little respect for yank films