where I used to think when the world was falling in on me. It gave me a little peace as it was right by the sea. I used to stare out for hours out to sea, wondering what was going to become of me. I returned to the same place today and saw the place where I had chosen to either throw myself off or drive off the cliff; I was and am that desperate. I could only stay there for ten minutes, as I feared that I would take the ultimate decision.
The sea and the wind, for some reason, calmed me and, years before all of this began, I arranged with my colleague and friend to take my Dad out on his boat. I watched my Dad intently and all he did was to just stare up the river, he never said a word and never asked for anything, he just sat there; I have been in that place for a long time, six years in fact.
For those who have not been in my Dad’s or my position, they just cannot understand the pain that is internalised, whether caused by a brutal boss, in the case of my father or, in my case, my entire family. Yes, my Dad (who should have known better), my brother, my cousin, my daughter and the hangers on.
Although severely damaged by the cancer and the subsequent operation, my brain is strong. Quite frankly, I do not know why.
Someone, of the grand old age of 58, should not want to die. I have no faith but I am very spiritual. I just want darkness and peace.