Today, is a very dark day, as we are constantly reminded of all of those lives that were lost. That is not a bad thing; we need to be constantly reminded to put matters in perspective.
But, save for today, my life has been a constant “existence”, so much so that I have sometimes forgotten the birth of my late wife, Liesel and Mothers’ Day, which I celebrate in the memory of my late wife and mother. But, although I remember with such vivid memories, the day of my daughter’s birth, I never mark the anniversary of her birth or that of anyone else in my family, as they have done so much hurt to me.
I always celebrate Christmas but always on my own. Sometimes, if I have the energy, I set up the table with two places, one for me and one for Liesel, but that is very rare; maybe once in the last 6 years. I just go through the motions as I do love Christmas but with no family or my daughter around me, to celebrate it, it is really just another day.
I just cannot understand why the people who did love me have been so hurtful, with so many lies and bundles of money in play as well.
I am emotionally hurting because of 9/11, even though I just watched it unfold on television but I hurt every single day and night from what has been done to me personally by my very own family and those linked to it. Although tremendously cruel, the loss of my wife was “natural” (she died of brain cancer) as was the loss of my beloved Mum, who was suffering from Alzheimer’s (she died from pneumonia on the heart) but I rationalise the loss of my Mum because, when she died, she was still with me, if you know what I mean.
I have good days; there is no reason as to why but, most of the time, they are bad days. It is literally just an existence for me.
So, I have a decision to make. Do I continue fighting, despite being exhausted, mentally and physically, all of the time or do I just ask my Liesel to “take me”. I have begged her many times; after I came back from the police station after being accused of sexually abusing my daughter and many times since. She nearly did once, when I was in a very dark hole and had lost the will to live, but somehow, I just sat up and said “no, not now”. It is the same as saying that someone died “of a broken heart”