I have suspected for a long time that I would finally be meeting back up with my darling Liesel and my beloved Mum. I have had bleeding a number of times but I do not think that is what is going to finally end my pain on this earth.
I smoke a lot. It started when my Liesel died. I had smoked before but this was now on a different level.
But when what happened in April 2016 happened, my smoking went exponential and my drinking increased.
Not that I drive a lot, being conscious of not wanting to drive over the limit, I bought an Alcosense personal breathalyser . It sat in my kitchen for about a week or two and then I decided that I would try it out.
I must have tried 5 or 6 times but no luck; I kept on getting an error message. When I looked it up in the instruction manual. It said that I was not blowing into the machine enough; so I tried again but with no luck.
It is clear to me that my lungs are now so shot that what is going to happen is inevitable. I do not think that I need to spell it out, do I?
My ex daughter, Hender, has caused this and has instilled so much stress and anxiety into me that I now smoke between 40 and 60 a day. The damage is now done and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I am not scared of death but am scared of dying as I have had so much pain in my life that I can stand no more.
Dying of the big C is a horrible way to die.
Taking it to the basest level, Hender , my only child, has, in effect, handed me a death sentence