My life was always devoted to just my daughter, Hender. Then I fell in love with my solemate, Liesel, who after a very short while of being together, fell sick, desperately sick so I had now two purposes in life; looking after my Liesel and looking after my daughter, now ex daughter.
I lost Liesel after just two years of first knowing her and then had to look after my offspring, whilst trying to keep myself together. They say that time is a great healer and it was. I will never get over the loss of Liesel, who was so loving and supportive to me; we were a great team. I still love her and always will, until my death and beyond.
I then returned to concentrate solely on my offspring; we did grieve together but I wonder, given recent events, just how much my offspring really loved Liesel or whether it was a case of Liesel being there at the right time, when her biological mother was sleeping with everyone in trousers; to say she had gone off the rails, is an understatement.
But now after the disgusting and simply horrible things my now ex daughter has said about me, both in 2016 and recently, I have had to just let her go. She is now no more to me and no better than any other stranger that I would meet in the street.
For a very long time, following what happened in 2016, I seesawed between hating her and wanting to get her back but there was always that unique bond there, between a father and a daughter, that would drag me back and do anything and everything that I could to encourage her to reconcile with me.
But recent events have proved to me that she has now gone; I even said that to the detective after she read out her so called statement.
So, right now, I have no purpose in life but I will not let it end there. If I just give up, both Hender, Parkinson and the rest of my family will have won. Indeed that is what my father has wanted all along as did Parkinson.
It will take time, quite a lot of time but slowly but surely I will find a new purpose for my life. I may not be the best candidate for perfect fitness but I have a lot to still give before my time is up. I have always been a giver, sometimes even to my detriment and that will not change.
Whilst I make plans to get off this rock, I can start to rebuild my life, without any family at all. My real and loving family will always be with me but they are both dead. That gives me the will to march on.
I despise the term “moving on” but would rather use the term “going forward”. Moving on suggests that you have to go forward but just forget about the past whilst going forward means that you do not forget your real loved ones, whether they have departed or not.
So, it will be a struggle but I have overcome so many struggles in my life; I am a passive person by nature but a fighter.
A new life beckons me and that is what I am going to work towards, discarding everyone who has caused me hurt in the past; that means my entire biological family.
Who knows? As things develop and I find my purpose again, I will not need to smoke or drink so much, especially if I totally exclude from my memory my brother, father, Hender and Parkinson.
I never, for one moment, every imagined, in a million years, that I would have to make the decision to exclude my very own daughter from my life, the person who was the most important person to me but the decision has been made for me, by her