When I was young, I was very solitary and rather than mucking about with friends, I would stay in my room, playing with my cars for hours on end. I was in my own little world. I was not the great socialite that my brother was and he found it very funny. He even recorded me from outside my bedroom door to make fun of me; he was a shit even then.
But I changed and had some girlfriends, the greatest of whom was Lynn who I loved dearly and whom my parents adored; she was stunning. But because of her mother’s Victorian attitude, too much pressure was put on the relationship and I broke up with her, even though I had none else to go out with; I chose loneliness over a wonderful relationship. She was heartbroken.
It was not until a few years later that I wrote to her to explain why i had broken with her; it was nothing to do with her, far from it but it was to do with her mother. I thought she deserved to know that.
I am a little like Freddie, I used to wear bright shirts, brightly coloured blazers and colourful trousers. I say used to because I no longer do that because, instead, I just wear a “prison uniform” of boring clothes, sometimes spending the whole day in my PJs.
If you have read my blog, you will understand why; I am not going to go into it here.
Through most of Freddie’s adult life, he was very lonely, especially after Mary left him. I know what Freddie was like, he always wanted to belong; I always wanted to belong.
When Freddie had those lavish parties, he was probably the loneliest person in the room, just as I was when I had my dinner parties. When you are empty, you want to fill your life with anything you can grab hold of. I did, Freddie did
At my parties, I did have my genuine friends there but there were other people that I hardly knew; Freddie did the same.
My salvation came at two times, the birth of my daughter and when Liesel came into my life, albeit for just two years.
When Liesel died, I was bereft for two reasons, that I had lost my sole mate but also because I was alone. When Liesel became sick and moved into our newly modified house, I concentrated solely on her as I wanted to care for her and my friends then vanished. But I still had my little girl.
When Verity did that horrible thing, I was left with nothing at all.
It was if I had been shot in the heart.
All of the rest of my family had sided with my father for financial reasons and so I was and am now left alone, with nothing to look forward to.
But, although at times it is fucking hard, I still continue to fight because the feeling of injustice that I have suffered pushes me on and on and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
This is the most honest and open post that I have ever written