I was in bed just now but had to write this otherwise there would be no attempt at sleep
The only two people who have “got me” are Liesel and my Mum; they are both dead, Liesel at 39 and Mum at 80.
I have no fucking clue what it is that makes me this way. Maybe it was all of the short circuited brain nerves, after the operation that completely changed my life but saved it at the same time.
Everyone has a “way with them”; mine is different. I seem limited by a certain way of dong things and , if I dont, I worry so much about my actions.
Not even my own daughter gets me; she thinks that all of these posts are scamming her, to convince her to come back to me but she is oh so wrong. I live for my daughter, she is after all, all that I have left. The trouble is that she is still young and does not understand the bond between a good parent and a child. If she did, maybe things would be different.
Whether I was born like this or “made” like this by the surgeons, I will never know but what I do know is that I can never change, not even if I wanted to. I am hard wired.
But no one gets that, not even my new friends that I have upset because they say I have not done anything wrong but, in my eyes and in my head, I have.
Maybe, if I can have a new life, I may find a new balance but that is just a dream at the moment, to enjoy life once again and to have the most precious thing back in my life, now and again, my Verity.
Just about every post has really boiled down to just one thing; my relationship with Verity because, at the end of the day, that is all that matters to me.
I can enjoy times in pubs with my acquaintances and work on my cars on my own but with the knowledge that I might just get a call from Verity saying “Hi Dad, how are you?”When I hear her voice again, I will cry
I dream for that day