Early this morning

I had a very lucid dream this morning, so lucid that when I woke up, I was completely disorientated.

I knew that I needed to get yet more pills today, the one’s that cause me dry mouth, the Tegretol ones and do you know what? I could have literally walked out of the house and got in the car, PJs, unbrushed hair and teeth and all.

Something is not quite right.

Maybe the stress of all of this is affecting me more than I think. A while ago, when going through a similar state, I woke up and was much more disorientated than today. It is hard to explain but I felt that I was in a dual reality.

I was so scared that I called for an ambulance. The operator asked me to drive in but I said that I felt that it was far too dangerous and so she finally agreed to get the ambulance out.

Of course, I had to wait for the NHS shrinks to turn up (about two and a half hours) but they were as useful as a chocolate teapot; if Wendy had been there, she would have listened to me rather than just taking notes on a computer, like a robot.

I was examined and discharged but whilst waiting for the taxi, I was still so disorientated and confused.

What I should have had was an EEG, to find out what was actually going on in my brain but such is the NHS, especially on the Isle of Wight, that it was not even suggested. Shame on you NHS and shame on St Mary’s.

So, this has been the second big occurrence on the island. It happened twice when I was with Rosanna too, when the marriage was falling apart. The first time, she called the paramedics but did nothing. The second time it happened, I got up and went downstairs to watch the television to try and divert my mind. It wore off after about three hours and I hope that it will happen like that again so that I have time to go and collect my pills. If it does not, I will just have to go without because they are only open in the morning, such is the quality of medical support on the island. There is no such thing as doctor on call or Thamesdoc, not here but only two miles away on the mainland, there is all the services that you need.

It is clear that the stress of everything is having a very detrimental effect on me. My father thinks I am “swinging the lead” and can go back to work; how little he knows.

The situation is either going to get better or I am just going to break and be in a home for the rest of my life.

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