Why I will never kill myself

I can be honest with you, very honest.

I have wanted to kill myself so many times over the last 4 years and even before that during my two divorces. I have been so depressed, so devoid of any hope, lonely and separated from the ones that I loved and who I thought loved me. It is no exaggeration to say that I have been truly alone, through some of the worst moments in my life, including losing Liesel.

But there is something or rather someone that has always stopped me but not from being there to say “no, you cannot do it”.

What has always stopped me is my daughter, Verity. Although we have been apart now for so long, I cannot imagine the hurt that she would suffer when she received the news that I had killed myself; I had given up on her and on life.

That is who drives me through all of this shit, my little girl.

But just as important as that, I want her to be proud of me and my successes. I was well on the way to achieving success at Premium Credit, when due to the shortage of staff, my damaged brain could take no more stress and shut down; from then onwards, my career was over.

So, I changed from a man striving to success to a man who would care and look after my loved ones; be that Liesel, my Mum, my Verity or even my Dad.

But, half of them have now gone and the other two will not even talk to me.

So, I have returned to being empty, with no hope and with no purpose in life.

More than anything, apart from seeing my Dad and Verity, I want them to be proud of me, as I was of my Dad.

I have no idea how I am going to do it but I have to do it, especially for my Verity, as I want her to be proud of her Dad, even if we never speak again; that is why I strive on and carry on putting one foot in front of the other…..

……for myself and my Verity

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