I know what I have to do. I need to get off this fucking island and start again.
I have tried so hard to reconcile with my daughter and indeed my father but neither have been willing, even though they were involved in my downfall, whether being complicit or not; I suggest that the former is far more likely.
So, it is just me (and William) now.
My favourite choice would be to move to the mainland and then sell this fucking house; it has not been a home since it was violated over three years ago.
Everybody in the family has thought just about themselves and absolutely no one else, including me.
So, rather than being nice and fair, I have to toughen up a little and put myself first and to do whatever it takes and I mean whatever, to enable me to have a better life.
If I am forced to go to South Africa or New Zealand, the move will be quite fraught, because of the distance and visa issues but one thing is for certain and that is that I will have to take this journey without William, who has been my chum for so many years.
Without him, I do not know what I would have done during this period of pain and I confess that I have shouted at him and pushed him away more times that I could have liked. I know William and he could not travel such distances. He has not just been with me for a year but well over ten and to rehome him in a tiny house, even with such loving people, would be cruel. William has always had the free reign to go wherever he wanted; after all, he has a cat flap and 7 acres to explore and that is what cats do.
William has his territory and after all of these years, I cannot suddenly put him somewhere else, with people who do not know his foibles and will not throw a fit if he vomits up a hairball.
I could not do that to my dear friend. Over the years, I have talked to him and he meowed back, whilst bumping or stroking my legs. If I haven’t eaten, I am convinced that he bumps me so much that it distracts me from what I am doing, normally the television and start to think about eating, even if gone midnight.
So, the only option is to be cruel to be kind. If I have to leave these fairer shores and by that I mean the UK, I will have no choice but to put my darling William down.
But his blood will not be on my hands; they will be on Verity’s and those of my father, even though I would have instigated the act of killing him. I would fear no guilt but utter sadness and loss.
After all, I have lost everyone else, especially Verity to greed and self interest and with William’s loss, I will be truly alone until I can start to rebuild my life. During that time, I am sure that a lot of alcohol will be consumed to dull the pain but I will come out of it in time; it may take months or years but I will come out of it, if I am not dead first.
If I choose South Africa, at least I will feel at home and not just stuck in a box, whilst the house slowly disintegrates around me.
Choosing South Africa is not really about Liesel; if you have experienced the people, you will realise how kind and genuine they are and will say “hello” to strangers, out of politeness, even though the country is totally corrupt.
If I can find my little bit of South Africa and reconnect with my friends and enjoy the beauty of the country, I will be happy for the rest of my life, even if I am totally alone.
I am certainly very unhappy here and things must change, even if it causes the downfall of one or all of my family; THEY HAVE NOT CARED ABOUT ME SO I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THEM, ANY OF THEM
because of the way that I was brought up by my darling mother, I was told to achieve better without harming others but sadly this is not the world that my mother and I wanted to live in and so, if I destroy people or their careers, even if just starting, sobeit