Whist watching “Death in Paradise”, Ben Miller’s character was talking about his Dad, who seemed very much like mine.
One of the most everlasting memories of my father was when, at my second wedding, Rosanna and I gave our parents gifts. When I gave my father a gift, I followed it with a big hug. The look on his face is seared into my mind as it was though I was stabbing him in the back.
Okay, there are people who do not know how to show or express their emotions and my father is certainly one. My brother is exactly the same, whilst I am more a tactile person, just like my darling mother.
Everybody is different and I can accept that he and I are completely different, although I find it very sad.
It is sort of fine to have different emotions but what I find difficult is that he has actively gone after me, in more ways than one. I do not think it is his Alzheimer’s either because he has been like that for a long long time.
He was proud of me once, especially when I passed my Chartered Accountancy finals and he, Mum and I celebrated with a bottle of champagne, once I had returned from London to get the early edition of the paper.
But my father has been so easy to critisise me and has called me a playboy, a weakling and incapable of holding down my last important job although the cessation of that job was due to the same illness that he suffered, decades earlier.
I even think that he sees my strong moral code as a weakness. After all, it was me who blew the whistle on the fraud that was going on in his old department and, even though he had retired, he investigated the fraud that had occurred and supported my concerns. But, he never said anything about what I had done, even though, by blowing the whistle, it put my whole career in jeopardy.
What he also does not realise was that if I had not blown the whistle, the sale of the company would have fallen through, as it was inevitable that the buyer’s auditors would have found the massive discrepancy, which may have led to my sacking anyway.
I took a lot of responsibility in my final post as Finance Director and, with responsibility, comes risk and reward. Below the founding directors, I should have been the next well paid director, as is common with nearly all Finance Directors, but I was certainly not; actually one of the worst paid directors. I was never properly rewarded for my attention to detail and hard work, as my boss thought that I would benefit significantly from the sale anyway; how wrong he was.
To give you an example, I got £5,000 as a bonus for all of the hard work that I had done on the management buyout, whilst all of the founding directors got tens of millions of pounds in share value or cash. But when it came to sales, the sales directors always got massive bonuses. Unfair? Bloody right it was.
Even when the compensation arrangement was finalised, I received the second lowest allocation of shares. That was a bloody insult.
My suppression of income, bonuses and benefits was no coincidence with my supposed future benefit in my father’s share of sales proceeds but thanks to Stoffberg and Puttergill (my bosses) and my father, I have been financially stuffed both ways
My desire to do a good job caused my marriage to Verity’s mother to fail. My wife, Samantha, did not have the same mindset as my mother when Dad was building up his businesses ( I hardly saw my father during the week) but my later girlfriend, 14 years Samantha’s junior, certainly did. She worked overtime whilst I worked late and, to her credit, never complained. Samantha sadly wanted her cake and to eat it; she wanted all of the luxuries and income stream that my job brought but she wanted me to be a 9 to 5 man; sadly, she could not have both.
Sadly, I believe that Verity has compared me to her step father. He had stayed in the profession but he had no desire to be a partner and to take greater responsibility. She clearly has taken a black and white viewpoint and has seen him around much more. But, I was different. I wanted to progress to a higher position in the company and whether I got there or not, I did it for myself and my little family but Samantha did not see it that way.
When I had to retire so very early, he was, in the earlier times, very supportive but he could not empathise with me, especially when I lost Liesel. Maybe he thought that a two year relationship was not long enough to have affected me so much but whether something affects you or not has nothing to do with time; it is down to the person whom you love.
He would be lying if I accused him of falling in love with Mum from the moment that he first saw her and, if she had died two years after their first meeting, he too would probably have been similarly affected, as I was. Liesel was burned into my mind.
Although our relationship was relatively short, nearly 10 1/2 years later, I still feel that love so strongly for Liesel that my love for anyone could never surpass it, whereas love for a daughter is completely different.
The major change in his attitude towards me came not long after Mum died and, ever since then, our relationship has just got worse and worse.
He knew that, although I really looked up to him, I was very close to my Mum and, as he loved her so much, one would have thought that even after she passed away, he would want to treat me with the same love and kindness that he did previously, effectively “in memory of his wife”.
It is very sad to say that he has regularly said to me that he no longer treats me as a son, especially in the last three or four years and has favoured my so called brother more and more, to the stage where my brother will no longer help me as, if he did and went against his father, he would fear that his “gold rush” would come to an end.
I have appealed to every family member but all they think about are themselves and just want to feather their nests with his hard earned cash.
Verity is different. Yes, I have been very angry with her and I have gone through the full spectrum of emotions but the messages that I have sent her in the last few days have only been of love, as a father has for his daughter.
Even though he has Alzheimer’s, I am sure that he can still remember the trauma that I went through when I had my breakdown and he can certainly remember his and what Mum and I did through that horrible period to help him.
Maybe he has forgotten the lengths that I went to, to help Mum when she had Alzheimer’s and was still at her home; that I do not now. But, if loved Mum as much as he has said that he did, my interventions would be burned into his mind.
Through his desire to keep Mum at home for so long, it made him very ill and he was hospitalised. Who was there to help him, after dropping everything? He conveniently forgets what Martin said to him at Mum’s funeral, that he was sorry for not being there for his Mum and Dad but I remember damn well. That was the time that I lost complete interest in Martin; how could a son be so selfish?
My father thinks that what he has and is doing to me is a game but he has not a clue how much damage he has done and is doing; I am mere shadow of my former self now.
With everything that has been done to me, I had had two choices. Either to just accept it all and effectively curl up and die or to fight back; I have chosen the latter although it has taken so much out of me; my father has no clue but if he read my missives on this blog, he will know all too well.
Even with his illness, I will never understand as to why he has actively come after me. He last lied to the trustees, demanded action from the trustees that they should have never done in the first place but for what?
Was he behind those false accusations or did he believe implicitly what Verity had said? I fear that I will never know.
But does he not understand that regardless of what he is doing to me, all I have thought about his current and welfare? I admit that it has been so difficult, as I have had to deal with the anger that I feel towards him and balancing that with the love and concern that I have as a son?
As for my love for Verity, despite everything that she has done to me, my love for her and my father shines through.
I am reticent to say it but I fear that I have lost both of the people who I love so dearly and that I will not see either of them ever again.
But, I may see them again if both can set aside the guilt, perceived anger and ego that they feel. Only then can the three of us start to heal but I fear that it is now too late. I have done everything that I can and I am now near to exhaustion, both physically and mentally.
It is now up to both of them to summon the courage and strength if they want the healing to begin
Maybe, when people read this, they will understand as to why I have felt so unjustly treated, not just from when the false allegations started and the way that I was treated by the Police but right back to my start at Premium Credit.