It is very early in the morning and I have just watched an old episode of the Heart Guy called “Say Sayonara”.
It involves a best friend who had cancer and it went to his brain and he wanted to end it all, which he did with help.
That brought back my beloved Liesel’s passing and I was so very sad. I could not help Liesel the way that she wanted and had promised because I was in a foreign country and feared that I would not see my little girl again if I got caught. At that moment, I put Verity before Liesel and still hold all of that guilt and will do for the rest of my life.
But look what has happened now? Verity has ditched me, does not want to speak to me, doesn’t want to help me and I still let Liesel down. If I had a crystal ball and had known what was to come when I had the opportunity to end Liesel’s life, I would have done so gladly.
But now, I have lost out both ways. I broke my solemn promise to Liesel and neither do I have my Verity. I am so sad but so very angry too. I will carry that guilt of breaking my pact with my soul mate and have no daughter. What the fuck did I do to deserve that.
I shared what I was supposed to do with a friend and he said that “Liesel would have understood because she knew how much I loved her (Liesel) but also knew that she loved Verity too, so very much, just like the daughter she never had”. Yes, maybe Liesel understood but she died a horrible death and I traded all of that for effectively nothing.
Liesel would not have traded the time that she had with her surrogate daughter for anything, not even her own life; Neither would I for that matter, not even what I have been put through.
I have not just sacrificed a great deal for Verity but I sacrificed Liesel for Verity as well.
The most precious person other than Verity who was in my life; what a choice to make and for nothing in the end.