Mental health

There has been a great emphasis on mental health during the pandemic but, in my opinion, not before that; I should know.

When I have spoken to GPs about my mental health, I get the same answer “there is a long waiting list”. So I have had to pay for counselling privately.

I hope that something good has come out of the pandemic; a realisation that people suffer so badly with their mental health but I fear that as the pandemic wanes, we will go back to what it was.

I probably got more assistance with my mental health in prison, as I was on suicide watch during my whole time on remand. I completely shut down from the moment that I entered the prison. I neither ate for 10 days or even went to the toilet (other than number 1s).

That being said, I could have easily committed suicide. The “watchers” got bored and the time between them checking on me varied enormously; they just saw me as a pain.

Quite frankly, given my numerous attempts at suicide (some that led to my arrest and mistreatment by the police), I should have never been in prison in the first place. That was the judge’s fault in wanting to “get” me. After all, it was not long before that when I was in a psychiatric hospital, for wanting to commit suicide.

Everything had got on top of me; the abuse by the police, the feeling that they could burst through the door at any moment, drag me out of the house and the complete disregard for my agoraphobia; not even my GPs surgery came to see me at the allotted time, they could not be bothered. But I did talk to my GP and he said what I expected “there is a long waiting list” so I had to book myself into a psychiatric hospital on the mainland and it cost me £21,000 when I left. That made a massive dent in my savings and the trust were not interested in helping me, although they gave an interest free loan of £1.45M to my brother and bought my daughter a free house.

But I felt better being at the hospital; I felt safe and no one knew where I had gone, except my GP.

The thing is that I cannot deal with any stress and that harks back to when I was 16, when I had my brain cancer operation. I had been suffering from epilepsy since I was 13 and they discovered a brain tumour when I was 16. If I had not had the op, I would have been dead within 6 months; a “no brainer” really.

The cancer was removed and they said I was fine but what they did not tell me was that scar tissue would start to form. That scarring caused epilepsy, which was finally controlled totally by drugs but not until 2012, yes 2012.

But on top of the epilepsy, it caused my tolerance to stress to be reduced to zero. What that caused was me to drink and smoke quite heavily; no one understood that, not Liesel, my second wife or my daughter.

My father told my cousin that “I was imperfect” and he did not just mean the sexual abuse that I suffered but I was not the son that he wanted me to be, despite achieving the same professional qualification that he did and working my way up to Finance Director.

Then after a period of massive stress, my career collapsed after a nervous breakdown and everything that I had worked for went down the drain.

He blames me for getting ill, he even blames me for him sexually abusing me and he blames me for having no tolerance to stress so that I could not work.

So, he decided to destroy me and it continues to this day

What I have become

I have been watching the excellent drama series “Peaky Blinders” for a few days now and it is not the main character that interests me but one of the brothers, Arthur. All of the three brothers fought in World War 1 but only Arthur was affected by the war.

It is said that whomever returned from that war, was never the same again and I can understand that; my granddad Fox, my mother’s father was never the same.

I was a quiet but vibrant individual, who was full of life. I endured two divorces and the death of my beloved Liesel but I have never recovered from the latter.

I did try and keep to my word to Liesel when I married Rosanna but she had two boys who lived with us and she always put me in third place. The actual divorce process nearly killed me and I was arrested for wanting to blow up Nepcote House with me in it; I had planned it all.

But what has really changed me, for the worse, is what has happened since I came to the island. The constant bullying by the police and the false accusations that were made by my daughter and her mother; all for money, from my father. I am not a religious person but a religious reference is relevant here; they sold me out for pieces of silver, be it cash, revenge or a house paid for by the trust. I saved up to buy my own house and, with a mortgage did so, but my daughter was just handed one on a plate; she will become someone no better than Paris Hilton.

When I got divorced from my daughter’s mother, I had to pay out so much money that I was homeless and I had paid for everything, the mortgage, the lot.

But, through sheer greed, she threw it all away, as she embezzled the company that she worked for. I had paid out £250,000 in the early 2000’s, effectively my daughter’s birthright and she did not care about my daughter’s future and embezzled that company; my daughter’s birthright was gone.

I have been hurt by so many women, except one, Liesel. We were a team and although she has been dead 14 years, I am still in love with her. We were “hardwired” from the moment that I first saw her and I will never love another woman like that again. I am destined to be alone and though I get lonely at times, I still have Liesel “living” somewhere in the ether, she constantly looks over me and so really I am not alone at all.

But my life will never change, thanks to the actions of the family, the police and the justice system, all of whom are completely corrupt.

The Masons

Everyone, who was not born under a rock, will know of the Masons. They are like an insidious virus; they have leached into every area of society, including governmental institutions, such as the judges and the police.

My father is a mason. My brother is a mason. My father’s associates are masons. Even the judge that treated me so badly is a mason. I threatened to expose him when I was on remand and, at my sentencing, he had a “change of heart” and gave me a suspended sentence. I had written many times to the governor of the prison and said that I would expose the judge. Clearly, the governor had been in contact with the judge; hence my suspended sentence.

Just as importantly, Ron Downhill, the tax and legal advisor to the trust, from which I derive my sole income, is a mason. (When I was writing to him, I accused him of being a mason but he flatly denied it; I know for sure that he is one). What happens in the trust, dictates my life

The police are rife with masons, every police force. I had reported my father for the sexual abuse that I endured as a boy and this did go to the Met Police but, due to my father’s masonic contacts, my case has been buried. If I enquire as to the state of the investigation, all I get are platitudes and bullshit.

Yet another example of the injustice that I have suffered.

After a week of being stuck in the house, due to my very painful tennis elbow I was going to start back in the workshop with my arm strapped up.

But the posts that I have written today, including the one above, have yet again deeply affected me and I can now no longer bring myself to go out of the back door of the kitchen. And I had my boots on with a box by the back door with all of the bits that I had ordered too.

THAT is the effect on me of all that has happened since being on the island

Agoraphobia

As many will know, I suffer from this debilitating condition, caused by what happened in April 2016 and in the years afterwards.

The condition is misunderstood. Yes, there are people who will not set one foot out of their home but thankfully I have a workshop. However, for many months, I would not set one foot out of my back door.

But, in the main, the condition means that people feel uncomfortable about places which are unfamiliar. Sadly, the ignorant police just did not understand that and my constant arrests and bullying at the hands of the police has caused me irreparable harm.

When I was on remand, I stayed in my cell, even when asked to go out for some exercise. I did try it once but quickly asked to be returned to my cell; that was refused.

Like many with agoraphobia, I hate crowds and do all of my shopping on-line, only going out to collect my medication or seeing my friend and osteopath, Nick. I used to love going to supermarkets but not now.

No one in the family has any clue of the damage that they have done to me or they conveniently forget.

Many years ago, I used to go out with my daughter to Kingston’s big shopping centre and so that we could have lunch, always Carluccio’s. But that is a distant memory now and I have not seen my daughter since 2015; there is a massive hole in my heart as a result.

False accusations

If anyone read my blog before, then would know that I was falsely accused by my daughter of sexually abusing her and causing her actual bodily harm.

Following evidence that I submitted, both the police and the CPS threw out the case. It was later established that my own father had paid her and her mother to falsely accuse me.

As you can imagine, those events caused me serious psychological and physical issues; that has not changed. On the day after I was bailed, I wanted to kill myself, not because I was guilty but because I had lost my world, my daughter. My life irreversibly changed in April 2016.

Due to those events and related events, I am very agoraphobic and remain in my house or workshop. I am even thinking about of electrifying my gates to make me feel more secure. I am effectively a hermit now.

But even though the accusations were proved to be false, the police did nothing, not even to reinterview her. If they had, they may have uncovered the plot to destroy my life.

It seems that as far as the police are concerned, a female can falsely accuse a man or woman with impunity, despite the man or woman being proved innocent but having his or her life wrecked. That is clearly unfair and is just one example of the injustice that there is in the UK

The death of Dante Wright

It is so sad to see yet another black man being killed by a police officer. Statistics clearly show that there is institutional racism in the US police.

If the female officer intended to taser Dante but shot him instead, then she should either be prevented from carrying a gun or to be retrained in gun handling. I have never held a hand gun before but common sense would suggest that there is a big difference between a hand gun and a taser.

I would suggest that due to the US police’s mindset, every black man is seen as a danger and so they shoot first and ask questions afterwards.

The Prince Phillip

I have been deeply affected by the passing of Prince Phillip and I offer my condolences to her Majesty The Queen as well as to her family.

I wish to talk a little about his funeral.

Thankfully, partly due to Covid, Prince Phillip is getting the funeral that he wanted; understated and private.

But I have concern about one of the attendees; The Duke of Sussex. I am not a fan of Prince Harry but he is clearly breaking the quarantine rules. He flew in from America yesterday and will attend Prince Phillip’s funeral on Saturday; that is only 6 days.

When members of the population of the UK have passed, some of their relatives have not even been able to attend the funeral of a loved one so I ask the question; why is Prince Harry any different? He should be in isolation for 10 days; any UK holiday makers coming back to the UK have to spend thousands to stay in a hotel but because he is a Prince, he is breaching the rules.

It takes him to infect just one person for Covid to explode causing a third lockdown.

Purely because of the fact that he has not been able to isolate properly before the funeral, he should not attend; he could infect Prince William, who will be our future king and a damn good one at that.

Why I decided to renew my blog

I have been “disabled” for a week now, due to being diagnosed to having tennis elbow, caused by me attempting to insulate my stables/new workshop on my own. So I have had plenty of thinking time.

I am not going to go back to exposing certain members of my family, as that will probably get me back in prison, but I have decided to renew my membership for three reasons and three reasons only, all to do with injustice.

In no particular order, they are to do with:

The exposure of my father for being a paedophile and that his masonic connections, both personally and in the police, have covered this all up, whilst I continue to endure the physical damage and psychological damage that my father caused to me; he has NEVER EVER denied my accusations as well as the attitude of society to male sexual abuse, as opposed to that endured by many females.

The murder of Jamal Khashoggi, instigated by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia

The continued existence of the Guantanamo Camp. I now find out that although Barrack Obama promised to close it in his election manifesto, he actually signed a secret order to continue to incarcerate Mohamedou Ould Slahi, despite being cleared of all crimes in a court of law. I recommend that you watch “The Mauritanian”, a completely true story, with no Hollywood bull that is streaming on Amazon Prime. Mr Slahi was incarcerated for over 14 years, after which he was released; he was never charged.

I am back

It came as a great surprise to me that I decided to renew my membership, as what I had written about for a few years never came to fruition.

I certainly have no intention of writing about two certain women but I will be writing, on and off, about sexual abuse that boys have endured, such as me from my father and the attitude of such abuse by the UK police or should I say, lack of attitude and other matters of which I am passionate about.

So, watch this space